ReBootYourLifeToday

Cures & Fixes for What Ails Us - Don’t Cringe & Say, “I’m Getting OLD”.

No cringing - Kick up your heels!

Every stage of life has its’ physical challenges.  Infants get colic, toddlers get croup, teenagers get acne, and so on.  At our stage of life we get stuff too.  Instead of saying to yourself, “I’m getting OLD,” look at whatever physical change you see as a challenge and find a cure. Don’t resign yourself or blame age.  There are drops for colicky babies and vaporizers for toddlers with croup, There is help for us too.   I’ve found some cures that work. 

Arthritis - Women in our age group tend to develop some arthritis in hands, hips and knees.  Fish oils (Omega 3s) do wonders for joint swelling and pain.  Fish oils are terrific for cardiovascular health too.  You can take Advil and all the other anti-inflammatory drugs, but they produce side effects and only cover up the pain. Omega 3 oils actually remove the inflammation.   (Fish oils tend to make me nauseous. If that’s the case for you, buy the ones that have an enteric coating.)

Hands – The hands show age quickly, especially if you are outdoors a lot without sun screen.  Retin A works very well on skin all over the body including the hands.  Retin A is the only product approved by the FDA to improve poor skin quality.  Renova is a less drying version of Retin A works and well for sensitive or dry skin.  If you have dark spots on your hands, Retin A will help.  But the best treatment for dark spots is hydoquinone cream.  This is a skin bleach which works.  It also needs a prescription.   Patience is rquired because these products do not work overnight.  They take months to show their best results.  But if stay with the treatment every night along with sun screen every day, you’ll see good results. 

 Neck – The neck shows wear and tear early on.  You can use Retin A if your neck is not too bad off. The Retin A will tighten the skin over time.  But if there is a fair amount of sagging, try a laser treatment. Go to a board certified dermatologist or plastic surgeon.  Doctors of all types know how much money cosmetic surgeons make and will try to get into the field without training.  With a board certified provider you’ll pay more, but you’ll get a first rate job which will last for years and years.  If you have a true turkey wobble then the answer is a neck lift.  This is surgery with general anesthesia and it will cost a fair amount, but the results can be spectacular. 

A word of caution: The most dangerous part of any surgery is the anesthesia.  If you decide to get a neck lift or a full face and neck lift, be sure there will be a board certified anesthesiologist present throughout the surgery.  Some cosmetic surgeons try to cut costs by using a nurse/ anesthesiologist instead of a fully qualified physician with complete training in anesthesiology.  If there is no board certified anesthesiologist, go to another doctor.

Hair Loss –As hormones readjust after menopause, some women start losing hair.  Rogaine is approved by the FDA and works to revive hair follicles which are inactive due to high stress or hormonal changes. Rogaine which is now available in generic form, is inexpensive and works wonders.  It’s available at Target and other mass marketers. Apply it to the scalp morning and night with a dropper.  It takes several months before you see the results.  But again you must have some patience and be consistent in use. If you stick with it you’ll get most of your hair back and prevent further loss. 

On Thursday I’ll post more “Fixes” Stay tuned…

Dating 101

  The latest US Census says about 50% of women over 55 are single.  Divorce and widowhood take their toll.  But all the happiness surveys show that one of 3 most important factors of a  long and healthy life is being married. (The other two are: strong purpose and satisfying  connections to family and community.)  I know some women love living alone.  From what I’ve heard they love the, “No one is the boss of me,” aspect.  Well I’m not one of those women so 10 years ago I opened myself up to a new relationship.  Never regretted it for a moment.

If you feel ready to find a good man what’s the best way to proceed? The traditional ways of having friends set you up still works. But I recommend you sign up for one of the many online dating services.  Met my husband on Match.com.  I know some women are skeptical or fearful of online dating, but in many ways it’s far safer than meeting men in a bar or other public place.  Online you don’t use your real name, you don’t have to give out your phone number and certainly not your address.  When you find a man online that interests you, arrange to meet him in a public place of your choosing.  If you don’t like the man, you each go your separate ways and never have to interact again. 

 If you’ve never been on an online dating service here are a few things I learned.  Men lie about their height and their income.  Women lie about their weight and their age.  Some of the photos that are posted are 20 years old, for both men and women.  I’m a bit suspicious of men who live hundreds of miles away and only come to your city every so often.  Men like that sometimes just use the distance to bring some excitement into their ho-hum lives.  They’re married or committed but just want a little adventure and some new sex.  Think twice about starting a long distance relationship. 

 Men always think they can attract a woman who is much younger than they are.  The age question is always problematic.  If you’re 58 and you give your age on the site, you might attract men who are in their late 70’s.  If you want someone younger than yourself or about your same age, be evasive about your age.  Say something like, “I’m around middle age.”  Try not to give an actual number. 

 Put some effort into taking the photo you post online.  A good, flattering photo will be your best chance of attracting a man of an acceptable age.  Get your hair done, dress in a flattering outfit, do all your make up, then ask someone you know who is a good photographer to take a few pictures of you.  Take shots of you standing, sitting, close up, at a distance.  Then post the best one or two online.  When you write your posting be truthful about yourself but have fun so you can attract a man who is fun to be with.  If you have attributes that appeal to men, such as an interest in sports or cooking be sure to include those.  If you’re tired of cooking and never want to go into the kitchen again, pick outdoor activities like hiking or biking.

If you want a man from a particular religious or ethnic group you can use a site that caters to that group, such as JDate (for Jewish people). There are sites for Catholics and many other religions. Online dating services have been so successful that there are now many specialized sites. There are sites for African American, Latinos, Asians, you name it.   Look around if you want to keep your dating within a certain group.

If you’ve never done any online dating and you’re scared, ask for some help.  My friend Debbie became a widow at age 62.  Her husband had a brain tumor and died after a long and arduous struggle with multiple surgeries, chemo therapies and other miseries.  It took Debbie a long while to get over the whole heart breaking experience.  When she finally became ready to date again, there weren’t any likely prospects around. 

 She went online and when she agreed to her first date, she asked me to go along. We both went to a Starbucks and arrived early. I sat at a table on the other side of the restaurant, drank my coffee and read a magazine.  Debbie met her date, who was a nice enough guy, but she wasn’t interested, so after about half an hour they parted company.  Debbie came to sit with me and we de-briefed the meeting.  I went along with Debbie in this way for 3 more dates, until she became comfortable with the process.  If you’re squeamish about online dating, ask a friend to “ride shotgun” until you feel capable of handling the date by yourself.

 Good men are never easy to find but we have an edge because of our experience.  We’re smart enough not let looks be at the top of our must-have list.  We know that a good man has a job or other financial interests.  They have good family relationships and solid friendships.  They don’t drink heavily or do drugs.  We know how important it is to share common values and interests.    Are you ready to open a new chapter of your life with a new man?  If so, I wish you God speed!

Money Makes The World Go 'Round

We’ve all learned there’s no free lunch.  Rebooting your life is no exception – it takes at least a small patch of solid financial footing to move forward.  The following spotlights the importance of creative and imaginative income creation for women.  See below for money making ideas. 

 From the following stats it’s easy to see why woman can get into financial trouble in their mature years.  There are, of course plenty of women who have planned well and managed to put together a reliable and ample income to fund their mature years.  However, even with good planning and wise money management, look what a lot of women face:

 “Women’s income, in general, is lower than men’s.  Among older individuals, the difference is especially pronounced. The median income for women age 60 and older is roughly one-half that of men in the same age group.“ * Now’s the time to think outside the box and find ways to increase ongoing income.

 90% of women over 65 receive Social Security benefits and for one third of those, social security is their only income. (AARP.org, 2008) This is another shocking statistic.  

 In 2005 the average Social Security benefit for women was $826 per month.  (Social Security Administration.  Social Security Bulletin: Annual Statistical Supplement, 2005)  It has come up since 2005 but only by about 3% per year and not at all in 2009 and 2010 due to the recession.

 Interest on investments and/or savings is a source of income for more than half (56.6 percent) of white women older than 64.  It is far less for women of color.

In 2005 women owned 6.5 million nonfarm US firms. According to the Internal Revenue Service women own roughly 28% of non farm businesses.   Can you start a small business now to give you income in the future?

21% of women over 65 are still in the labor force. (AARP.org, 2008) With Social Security benefits so low for women it’s no wonder 21% still need to work.

51% of women are now living without a spouse, according to an article in the New York Times by Sam Roberts, January 16, 2007, which of course, means there’s only one income for these women. Traditionally women stayed married and had their husband’s retirement income to help pay the bills. (The findings in this article cover all women, not just mature women. However, at least in anecdotal form, many widowed or divorced women over 60 opt not to remarry.)

*(All of the stats cited above were gathered from the AARP website which reprinted the following article. “Women Age 65 and Older: Their Sources of Income” by Laurel Beedon and Ke Bin Wu, October, 2005) of funds. If you are in financial trouble I hope the following ideas and processes will give you a new look at money and help you bring enough financial stability into your life to make your re-invention a reality.)

 OK what can you do right now to improve your finances?  Here are some money makers and check out future posts for more:

 If you own your home (68% of us do) consider becoming a foreign student host.  Many colleges attract students from all over the world.  Call your local colleges and offer to have one or more students live with you.  You provide a bedroom and dinner.  The students pay well and are well behaved.  Easy way to make extra money after your own kids are gone.

You don’t want anyone living inside the house? How about turning a garage or other backyard structure (such as a storage building) into a rental for students or young professionals. One woman I know turned a gardening shed into an artist studio and rents it out to local artists.  Takes a little effort and money but well worth years of rent payments.

Stay tuned for more ideas of easy, long term sources of income.

Nobody Cares More About Your Health Than You Do

 

Here’s the thing, the advances in medical science are stunning.  However, I promise you your health is a million times more important to you, than it is to your doctor no matter how good and dedicated he/she is.  It’s your body, your life and your health. 

According to conventional wisdom there’s only one certain thing about reaching a “certain age,” and that’s illness. If you’re not sick now, you’ll soon be. That’s what conventional wisdom indoctrinates us to believe and since we generally get what we expect, the expectation of a diseased old age is widely believed.

These ideas are deeply rooted in our culture.  Conventional wisdom about our old age seeps deeply into our frame of reference from childhood.  Television ads peddle all manner of “fixes” for what ails old folks like arthritis, osteoporosis, and high cholesterol 24/7. These ads do the job. They feed into our belief system that we must decline and become diseased.

Mail comes daily warning us to get long term care insurance so we won’t use up our kid’s inheritance during our grossly expensive “end of life care”. This post is going to run full force in the face of that kind of “wisdom.”

We need to take a U turn and take the responsibility for our health away from the medical establishment and assume that responsibility ourselves. What exactly should our responsibility be? We can care of our bodies as if they were precious gifts, which in fact, they are. We can stop abusing our bodies through addictions, poor nutrition and couch potato-ism. And we can take time every day to de-stress in healthy ways.  Take a bubble bath, work in the garden or chat with a friend. Find ways to appreciate all day, every day. 

Even while we negotiate difficult situations we can take time to appreciate the beauty of flowers, the laughter of a child, the distraction of a good movie. We must treat our bodies and psyche as if they were priceless jewels and cater to their well being at every turn.

If we assume responsibility for our good health, what does that mean in terms of seeing a doctor, taking screening tests, medications and so on? Perhaps if we’d taken first-rate care of our physical and emotional selves all along, we’d never need to see a doctor or take medications. But that’s not the case for the vast majority of us. I have hypertension and take medication for it every day. I appreciate the medicine and the benefit it gives my body. Modern medicine is a wonder and we owe it to ourselves to take full advantage of what it has to offer while not abdicating our responsibility for our own well being. 

The second U turn we ought to consider comes in the form of a caveat about the marvels of modern medicine. If we go on abusing our physical and emotional selves, we can’t expect the medical establishment to swoop in, care for us and fix us. Every good physician will tell you that at the end of the day, we “fix” ourselves. The doctor can help, but we fix ourselves. Everyone who has worked in healthcare, as I did for many years, can tell you stories about people who walk into a hospital for a minor procedure and die while someone close to death is carried in and walks out.

Why is that? One of life’s mysteries or is something else at play? Perhaps a strong will to live and some pretty compelling reasons to go on. Only we can provide the will to live and give ourselves reasons to extend our lives. The doctor, the drugs, the surgeries can’t give us an abiding passion and that’s what it takes to live a long, healthy, interesting life.

If you have a good relationship with your doctor and feel more secure seeing him/her regularly, by all means you should. If taking all the screening tests available today for bone density, cancers and so on, makes you feel more secure, but all means continue. But there’s a caveat here too. A lot of people feel if they take all the screening tests, they are free to continue to live unhealthy lives.  That won’t work because maybe sooner rather than later the bad habits will catch up with us.  But probably the most important thing is that a healthy life is a happy, fun filled one!

 

It's Time To Re-Invent Ourselves

While researching and doing  interviews for my book, Rebooting Your Life, A Women’s Guide to Being Alive, Productive and Sexy After 55, I found the most important asset a women can have is the ability to re-invent herself, invest her resources in herself.  Women must learn to walk away from what society expects of them.

The US Census tells us that the fastest growing age group are those over  85!  There’s lots of life left for mature women.  Using that time for productive,  satisfying experiences is far more promising than buying into what I call the 3 big D’s, decline, disease, and death that society paints for us. 

To make the overwhelming, but important transition from middle age to a certain age, I’ve learned  women must become independent thinkers, not identifying with their peers or doing what is expected of them.   We don’t have to accept the “aging process” or age gracefully, which in my mind, means embracing old lady-hood with a resigned smile and a sinking feeling of depression.

Re-Investment/Re-invention - There’s nothing mysterious about re-invention.  Little girls become teenagers then young women.  These are all re-inventions. But they are not conscious choices, When I say we must re-invent ourselves, I mean something very different.  It’s easy to fulfill society’s expectations.  There’s a well defined scrip for a young woman beginning her career, getting married, becoming a Mom.  At our time of life we don’t have clearly define roles.  For that reason we can become invisible, without a readymade set of responsibilities, goals, or aspirations.  The only real, defining role for us is that of grandmother.   Other than that, there is nothing that’s expected of us.  So why not take the energy and resources we’ve invested in our family and others to create whatever role suits us?  To do that, we must take a critical look at our physical body, our finances, our relationships, and our outlook on life.  We need to have a clear vision of what works about our life and what drags us down.  We need to get serious about who we are and who we want to become. 

Re-invention is not an overnight wonder.  We need to stop, find the time to be introspective.  Looking closely inside ourselves will reveal many issues.  We can no longer define ourselves  by our relationship to others.  We can’t say, “I’m Frank’s wife, Tracy and Matt’s mother, a 5^th grade teacher and a lover of dogs.  We have to focus on where we are right now and what we want from life going forward.  The going forward part is key.  We have decades ahead.  Do you want to go on as before?  Do you want major changes?  Stopping and reviewing where we are today and where we want to go next is life giving and well worth the time and effort involved.

The Aging Process Is Under Our Own Control

The latest research shows that the infamous aging process is to a great extent under our own control.  I spent many years in healthcare administration and I learned a lot of insider things.  If you’re under 50 and they can’t find what’s wrong with you, they blame it on a virus.  If you’re over 50 and they can’t find what ails you, they blame it on aging.  The aging process is a useful and often profitable catch-all for physicians, pharmaceutical companies and cosmetic manufactures, but it’s a trap for women.  It dis-empowers us.  We must re-empower ourselves.   One good way that helped me was to keep a journal.

Keeping a journal is an easy and free way to organize your thoughts and keep on track of where you are in life and where you’re wanting to go.  You don’t need a fancy diary - any spiral ring notebook will do.  A computer journal works well too.  

Find a time when you can write without being disturbed. If you feel frazzled or scattered  tell yourself you have entered a worry free zone. Your concerns will keep for a few minutes while you write.

(One woman told me she assigned herself a worry time period during each day.  She gave herself 15 to 30 minutes to rehash her problems.  At the end of that time, she tells herself that she has served her troubles long enough and can go on to something more productive. )

Don’t bother about spelling, grammar or even full sentences.  Make lists or jot down two or three words.  Nobody is going to read your thoughts except you, so don’t censor yourself or judge your thoughts.  Don’t worry about priority, just write down whatever comes to you. Take your time and make it as complete as possible. 

Write in your journal often.    Once you get in the habit, writing will become easier and more productive.  Here are some assignments which will help you gain a clear perspective of your current life and help you see how you can take full advantage of the years to come.

Journal Assignment 1 - What brings you the most pleasure in your daily life?  Do you have a grandchild that puts a smile on your face? Is your garden a source of fulfillment and relaxation?  Is your work the source of your greatest satisfaction?  Is your family the best thing in your life?  Identify what brings you the most pleasure day to day.  Identify as many pleasurable experiences as you can. These are the ordinary things that promote well being in your life. It’s difficult to make big changes all at once.  Small changes add up to a far better day to day life. 

Our lives are made up of ordinary moments, and these moments are very powerful because they are all we have.  Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here yet.  We have only the present.  Small changes add up and the ordinary moments are the building blocks of our lives.    Making “right now” better is a powerful way to make big changes over time.

Here’s an example of what this first assignment might look like:  Best time of day - sitting in the back yard playing with the dog after work.  Checking email for something interesting.  Going to church.  Centering - feel stronger when I leave.  Good novel – relaxing, time away from worries.  Monthly bridge game.  Family time spent with kids, grandchildren, old friends.

Journal assignment 2 – Review your life as a whole.  What has been the most meaningful experience of your life so far?  Have you found the most satisfaction in your family, in your marriage, in your career, traveling the world?  Write down two or three experiences

Journal Assignment 3 - Look at the things in your life that you find the most difficult. 

Do you have to care for a declining and dependent parent?  Do you have one or more difficult family relationships?  Are you facing serious financial or health problems?  You’ll need to find ways to make these situations less burdensome as your empowering and re-invention process proceeds.  This assignment can be revealing and somewhat painful to think about, but it is an important step in designing your new life.

I repeat, don’t worry about spelling, grammar or priority.  You might even get yourself a small tape recorder and record your thoughts while driving or doing household chores.  When you have time, you can listen to your thoughts and write what you feel is important into your journal.  There is no right or wrong way to do this.  There is only the way that works for you.  Remember this is your time.  Make the most of it by investing in the most important person in your life – you.   

Journal Results - Look over your journal adding anything that you didn’t think of at the first writing. Now you have some invaluable information. You’ve focused on the most pleasurable parts of your day to day life.  You’ve identified experiences that have been the most meaningful and impactful so far.  You can see what you value the most – work, family, travelling for the next chapter of your life.  What have you learned from the difficult times?  You can avoid making the same mistakes again by seeing what these lessons are. Now you have direction. 

Set aside some quiet time to reflect on your writing.  When have you felt the most joy, the most fulfillment or the most peace?  When have you felt like you were doing exactly the right thing?  Are you still angry, bitter or regretful? The hard times are of great importance because they can teach us many good lessons, but often leave some negative emotions that will hold us back from achieving our new goals.  Later we’ll explore how holding negative emotions impacts our lives and attracts more unhappiness.

Ponder your journal results carefully. These will provide you with clues about who you are, where you’ve been on your life’s journey and where you’d like to go next.