ReBootYourLifeToday

Gray = Granny - Faye's Story

 Had lunch with my dear friend Faye.  When I arrived at the restaurant I told the hostess that I was meeting someone and she said, “Yes, the older lady is waiting for you by the window.”  As I approached the table I could see Faye with her gray hair in the same style she’d had since college.  I also saw her granny glasses and matronly outfit.  Faye is younger than I am, but I could see why the hostess had called her the older lady.  Faye brought up the reason for our lunch right away.  She’d been laid off 6 months earlier and had not landed another job.  She blamed her lack of a job on the economy and she wanted me to help her revamp her resume.

 The job market is plenty tight but that’s all the more reason to present yourself as a stylish, ageless woman.  Faye is bright, funny and knowledgeable with a college degree and good professional experience.  Her resume didn’t need a make-over.  She needed a make-over.  I’ve known Faye a long time and felt comfortable telling her the gray hair had to go along with the glasses and the outfit.

 Faye had always said she earned every wrinkle and didn’t see why she wasn’t judged by her character and experience instead of her appearance.  Looking older is a drawback no matter what a woman’s goals are. In some cultures, older people are sought out for their advice. Ours is a youth oriented culture where 12 year olds write computer programs and make tons of money before they go to high school. Looking our age, or God forbid older, is counterproductive.

 If you’re on the job market, appearance is key to getting hired.  Let’s consider the term “older woman”.  What comes to mind? A woman whose best days are behind her?  Someone who is set in her ways? Who suffers from senior moments?  An older women may be in poor health. In short she’s lost her mojo. If you’re a 30 something human resources person, is that who you want to hire? But, you say, everyone gets old; it’s just part of life and can’t be changed.  True enough. But looking like an older women, can be helped.

 Here’s what I suggested to Faye:  Go see a good hairdresser. Color the gray hair and get it cut into a stylish new do.  Dump the bifocals and get good looking transitional bifocals.  Invest in an interview outfit.  A well cut pantsuit in a flattering color will work well.  That way Faye could avoid wearing the stiletto heels that are so much in style.  But no flats.  A medium heeled shoe is fine. 

 To my surprise Faye actually took my advice and asked me to come shopping with her after she got her hair taken care of.  We chose a taupe pantsuit that complimented her new auburn hair color with accompanying accessories.  Faye looked so different her own kids would pass her on the street.  The most amazing thing was Faye was thrilled with her new look.  Her spirits soared and she said she had a new lease on life.  I think she’ll have a job soon!

 

More Fixes for Our Time of Life

Don't cringe - Kick up your heels!

As we've discussed every stage of life has it's down side and gliches.  Here are more fixes for the gliches of our time.

Wrinkles – Facial skin that’s seen better days can be an easy fix.   Retin A or Renova are excellent, inexpensive treatments that work well over time.  Both Retin A and Renova need a prescription, but your regular doctor can give it to you.  Retin A is now available in generic form and is not costly.  Renova is not yet in generic form so it’s a little pricey, but well worth the money. If your skin is past the easy fix stage, then consider a skin peal, laser therapies or a full face lift. 

Eye Sight –Most people lose their ability to read or do close work without glasses as time goes by.  I know you have reading glasses.  But we also need to install a magnifying mirror in our makeup area.  That way you’ll actually see where your eyebrows need plucking, or if you need to do something about a little mustache that’s never been there before.  The mirrors are sold at most stores like Bed Bath and Beyond and they are well worth the small cost.

Loss of Sexual Interest –Many women lose interest in sex after menopause, and that’s fine if the woman is happy without sex.  However, if you’ve always liked sex but your libido has gone MIA, there’s help.  There’s a new testosterone cream on the market that seems to increase women’s interest in sex.  There is also estrogen cream, which when placed in the vagina, makes sexual activity more comfortable and provides some estrogen as well.  This small amount of estrogen may also help revive her libido. 

Spider Veins – There are many new treatments for spider veins that appear on the legs, feet and other parts of the body.  If you have spider veins find a good dermatologist to see which of the new treatments is right for you.  Getting rid of spider veins means you can wear shorts and go without hose again.  A word of caution:  No cream or lotion will repair little broken blood vessels.  No matter how much hype some of these advertisers come up with, the bottom line is that broken blood vessels, which is what spider veins are, must be treated by a competent physician.

Bunions – We inherit bunions.  They’re not caused by wearing high heels although the heels make them worse.  There is a surgery to correct bunions, but it’s difficult and has a long recovery time.  A less invasive fix is using orthotics.  These are custom made inserts for your shoes that support your arch and relieve bunion pressure.   They’re made by a podiatrist or a chiropractor.  You can order slender versions for dress shoes and larger ones for flats. I have bunions and wearing my orthotics makes walking and even dancing comfortable.  Another help are shoe stretchers. These are made for people with bunions and you can position the stretcher to the exact spot where the shoe hurts.  Shoe stretchers are available online for about $20. 

Sleep Problems – Sleep disruptions are more common after menopause.  I asked my gynecologist and she had no explanation except that the loss of estrogen disrupts the production of sleep hormone in some women.  There are over-the-counter sleep aids like Tylenol PM at any drug store.  These are comprised of a pain reliever (the Tylenol) and an antihistamine which makes people drowsy. Some women find these effective. There are prescription sleeping pills. However they can be addictive and have side effects.  Valerian root is stronger and works well for me.  A concentrate of this root is the main ingredient in the drug valium.  Valerian root is inexpensive, non-addictive and available in health food stores, homeopathic pharmacies or online.  Experiment with dosage until you find what works for you. Take the capsules about 1 hour before sleep and you’ll get a restful night’s sleep.

Cures & Fixes for What Ails Us - Don’t Cringe & Say, “I’m Getting OLD”.

No cringing - Kick up your heels!

Every stage of life has its’ physical challenges.  Infants get colic, toddlers get croup, teenagers get acne, and so on.  At our stage of life we get stuff too.  Instead of saying to yourself, “I’m getting OLD,” look at whatever physical change you see as a challenge and find a cure. Don’t resign yourself or blame age.  There are drops for colicky babies and vaporizers for toddlers with croup, There is help for us too.   I’ve found some cures that work. 

Arthritis - Women in our age group tend to develop some arthritis in hands, hips and knees.  Fish oils (Omega 3s) do wonders for joint swelling and pain.  Fish oils are terrific for cardiovascular health too.  You can take Advil and all the other anti-inflammatory drugs, but they produce side effects and only cover up the pain. Omega 3 oils actually remove the inflammation.   (Fish oils tend to make me nauseous. If that’s the case for you, buy the ones that have an enteric coating.)

Hands – The hands show age quickly, especially if you are outdoors a lot without sun screen.  Retin A works very well on skin all over the body including the hands.  Retin A is the only product approved by the FDA to improve poor skin quality.  Renova is a less drying version of Retin A works and well for sensitive or dry skin.  If you have dark spots on your hands, Retin A will help.  But the best treatment for dark spots is hydoquinone cream.  This is a skin bleach which works.  It also needs a prescription.   Patience is rquired because these products do not work overnight.  They take months to show their best results.  But if stay with the treatment every night along with sun screen every day, you’ll see good results. 

 Neck – The neck shows wear and tear early on.  You can use Retin A if your neck is not too bad off. The Retin A will tighten the skin over time.  But if there is a fair amount of sagging, try a laser treatment. Go to a board certified dermatologist or plastic surgeon.  Doctors of all types know how much money cosmetic surgeons make and will try to get into the field without training.  With a board certified provider you’ll pay more, but you’ll get a first rate job which will last for years and years.  If you have a true turkey wobble then the answer is a neck lift.  This is surgery with general anesthesia and it will cost a fair amount, but the results can be spectacular. 

A word of caution: The most dangerous part of any surgery is the anesthesia.  If you decide to get a neck lift or a full face and neck lift, be sure there will be a board certified anesthesiologist present throughout the surgery.  Some cosmetic surgeons try to cut costs by using a nurse/ anesthesiologist instead of a fully qualified physician with complete training in anesthesiology.  If there is no board certified anesthesiologist, go to another doctor.

Hair Loss –As hormones readjust after menopause, some women start losing hair.  Rogaine is approved by the FDA and works to revive hair follicles which are inactive due to high stress or hormonal changes. Rogaine which is now available in generic form, is inexpensive and works wonders.  It’s available at Target and other mass marketers. Apply it to the scalp morning and night with a dropper.  It takes several months before you see the results.  But again you must have some patience and be consistent in use. If you stick with it you’ll get most of your hair back and prevent further loss. 

On Thursday I’ll post more “Fixes” Stay tuned…

Dating 101

  The latest US Census says about 50% of women over 55 are single.  Divorce and widowhood take their toll.  But all the happiness surveys show that one of 3 most important factors of a  long and healthy life is being married. (The other two are: strong purpose and satisfying  connections to family and community.)  I know some women love living alone.  From what I’ve heard they love the, “No one is the boss of me,” aspect.  Well I’m not one of those women so 10 years ago I opened myself up to a new relationship.  Never regretted it for a moment.

If you feel ready to find a good man what’s the best way to proceed? The traditional ways of having friends set you up still works. But I recommend you sign up for one of the many online dating services.  Met my husband on Match.com.  I know some women are skeptical or fearful of online dating, but in many ways it’s far safer than meeting men in a bar or other public place.  Online you don’t use your real name, you don’t have to give out your phone number and certainly not your address.  When you find a man online that interests you, arrange to meet him in a public place of your choosing.  If you don’t like the man, you each go your separate ways and never have to interact again. 

 If you’ve never been on an online dating service here are a few things I learned.  Men lie about their height and their income.  Women lie about their weight and their age.  Some of the photos that are posted are 20 years old, for both men and women.  I’m a bit suspicious of men who live hundreds of miles away and only come to your city every so often.  Men like that sometimes just use the distance to bring some excitement into their ho-hum lives.  They’re married or committed but just want a little adventure and some new sex.  Think twice about starting a long distance relationship. 

 Men always think they can attract a woman who is much younger than they are.  The age question is always problematic.  If you’re 58 and you give your age on the site, you might attract men who are in their late 70’s.  If you want someone younger than yourself or about your same age, be evasive about your age.  Say something like, “I’m around middle age.”  Try not to give an actual number. 

 Put some effort into taking the photo you post online.  A good, flattering photo will be your best chance of attracting a man of an acceptable age.  Get your hair done, dress in a flattering outfit, do all your make up, then ask someone you know who is a good photographer to take a few pictures of you.  Take shots of you standing, sitting, close up, at a distance.  Then post the best one or two online.  When you write your posting be truthful about yourself but have fun so you can attract a man who is fun to be with.  If you have attributes that appeal to men, such as an interest in sports or cooking be sure to include those.  If you’re tired of cooking and never want to go into the kitchen again, pick outdoor activities like hiking or biking.

If you want a man from a particular religious or ethnic group you can use a site that caters to that group, such as JDate (for Jewish people). There are sites for Catholics and many other religions. Online dating services have been so successful that there are now many specialized sites. There are sites for African American, Latinos, Asians, you name it.   Look around if you want to keep your dating within a certain group.

If you’ve never done any online dating and you’re scared, ask for some help.  My friend Debbie became a widow at age 62.  Her husband had a brain tumor and died after a long and arduous struggle with multiple surgeries, chemo therapies and other miseries.  It took Debbie a long while to get over the whole heart breaking experience.  When she finally became ready to date again, there weren’t any likely prospects around. 

 She went online and when she agreed to her first date, she asked me to go along. We both went to a Starbucks and arrived early. I sat at a table on the other side of the restaurant, drank my coffee and read a magazine.  Debbie met her date, who was a nice enough guy, but she wasn’t interested, so after about half an hour they parted company.  Debbie came to sit with me and we de-briefed the meeting.  I went along with Debbie in this way for 3 more dates, until she became comfortable with the process.  If you’re squeamish about online dating, ask a friend to “ride shotgun” until you feel capable of handling the date by yourself.

 Good men are never easy to find but we have an edge because of our experience.  We’re smart enough not let looks be at the top of our must-have list.  We know that a good man has a job or other financial interests.  They have good family relationships and solid friendships.  They don’t drink heavily or do drugs.  We know how important it is to share common values and interests.    Are you ready to open a new chapter of your life with a new man?  If so, I wish you God speed!

Money Makes The World Go 'Round

We’ve all learned there’s no free lunch.  Rebooting your life is no exception – it takes at least a small patch of solid financial footing to move forward.  The following spotlights the importance of creative and imaginative income creation for women.  See below for money making ideas. 

 From the following stats it’s easy to see why woman can get into financial trouble in their mature years.  There are, of course plenty of women who have planned well and managed to put together a reliable and ample income to fund their mature years.  However, even with good planning and wise money management, look what a lot of women face:

 “Women’s income, in general, is lower than men’s.  Among older individuals, the difference is especially pronounced. The median income for women age 60 and older is roughly one-half that of men in the same age group.“ * Now’s the time to think outside the box and find ways to increase ongoing income.

 90% of women over 65 receive Social Security benefits and for one third of those, social security is their only income. (AARP.org, 2008) This is another shocking statistic.  

 In 2005 the average Social Security benefit for women was $826 per month.  (Social Security Administration.  Social Security Bulletin: Annual Statistical Supplement, 2005)  It has come up since 2005 but only by about 3% per year and not at all in 2009 and 2010 due to the recession.

 Interest on investments and/or savings is a source of income for more than half (56.6 percent) of white women older than 64.  It is far less for women of color.

In 2005 women owned 6.5 million nonfarm US firms. According to the Internal Revenue Service women own roughly 28% of non farm businesses.   Can you start a small business now to give you income in the future?

21% of women over 65 are still in the labor force. (AARP.org, 2008) With Social Security benefits so low for women it’s no wonder 21% still need to work.

51% of women are now living without a spouse, according to an article in the New York Times by Sam Roberts, January 16, 2007, which of course, means there’s only one income for these women. Traditionally women stayed married and had their husband’s retirement income to help pay the bills. (The findings in this article cover all women, not just mature women. However, at least in anecdotal form, many widowed or divorced women over 60 opt not to remarry.)

*(All of the stats cited above were gathered from the AARP website which reprinted the following article. “Women Age 65 and Older: Their Sources of Income” by Laurel Beedon and Ke Bin Wu, October, 2005) of funds. If you are in financial trouble I hope the following ideas and processes will give you a new look at money and help you bring enough financial stability into your life to make your re-invention a reality.)

 OK what can you do right now to improve your finances?  Here are some money makers and check out future posts for more:

 If you own your home (68% of us do) consider becoming a foreign student host.  Many colleges attract students from all over the world.  Call your local colleges and offer to have one or more students live with you.  You provide a bedroom and dinner.  The students pay well and are well behaved.  Easy way to make extra money after your own kids are gone.

You don’t want anyone living inside the house? How about turning a garage or other backyard structure (such as a storage building) into a rental for students or young professionals. One woman I know turned a gardening shed into an artist studio and rents it out to local artists.  Takes a little effort and money but well worth years of rent payments.

Stay tuned for more ideas of easy, long term sources of income.

Nobody Cares More About Your Health Than You Do

 

Here’s the thing, the advances in medical science are stunning.  However, I promise you your health is a million times more important to you, than it is to your doctor no matter how good and dedicated he/she is.  It’s your body, your life and your health. 

According to conventional wisdom there’s only one certain thing about reaching a “certain age,” and that’s illness. If you’re not sick now, you’ll soon be. That’s what conventional wisdom indoctrinates us to believe and since we generally get what we expect, the expectation of a diseased old age is widely believed.

These ideas are deeply rooted in our culture.  Conventional wisdom about our old age seeps deeply into our frame of reference from childhood.  Television ads peddle all manner of “fixes” for what ails old folks like arthritis, osteoporosis, and high cholesterol 24/7. These ads do the job. They feed into our belief system that we must decline and become diseased.

Mail comes daily warning us to get long term care insurance so we won’t use up our kid’s inheritance during our grossly expensive “end of life care”. This post is going to run full force in the face of that kind of “wisdom.”

We need to take a U turn and take the responsibility for our health away from the medical establishment and assume that responsibility ourselves. What exactly should our responsibility be? We can care of our bodies as if they were precious gifts, which in fact, they are. We can stop abusing our bodies through addictions, poor nutrition and couch potato-ism. And we can take time every day to de-stress in healthy ways.  Take a bubble bath, work in the garden or chat with a friend. Find ways to appreciate all day, every day. 

Even while we negotiate difficult situations we can take time to appreciate the beauty of flowers, the laughter of a child, the distraction of a good movie. We must treat our bodies and psyche as if they were priceless jewels and cater to their well being at every turn.

If we assume responsibility for our good health, what does that mean in terms of seeing a doctor, taking screening tests, medications and so on? Perhaps if we’d taken first-rate care of our physical and emotional selves all along, we’d never need to see a doctor or take medications. But that’s not the case for the vast majority of us. I have hypertension and take medication for it every day. I appreciate the medicine and the benefit it gives my body. Modern medicine is a wonder and we owe it to ourselves to take full advantage of what it has to offer while not abdicating our responsibility for our own well being. 

The second U turn we ought to consider comes in the form of a caveat about the marvels of modern medicine. If we go on abusing our physical and emotional selves, we can’t expect the medical establishment to swoop in, care for us and fix us. Every good physician will tell you that at the end of the day, we “fix” ourselves. The doctor can help, but we fix ourselves. Everyone who has worked in healthcare, as I did for many years, can tell you stories about people who walk into a hospital for a minor procedure and die while someone close to death is carried in and walks out.

Why is that? One of life’s mysteries or is something else at play? Perhaps a strong will to live and some pretty compelling reasons to go on. Only we can provide the will to live and give ourselves reasons to extend our lives. The doctor, the drugs, the surgeries can’t give us an abiding passion and that’s what it takes to live a long, healthy, interesting life.

If you have a good relationship with your doctor and feel more secure seeing him/her regularly, by all means you should. If taking all the screening tests available today for bone density, cancers and so on, makes you feel more secure, but all means continue. But there’s a caveat here too. A lot of people feel if they take all the screening tests, they are free to continue to live unhealthy lives.  That won’t work because maybe sooner rather than later the bad habits will catch up with us.  But probably the most important thing is that a healthy life is a happy, fun filled one!

 

It's Time To Re-Invent Ourselves

While researching and doing  interviews for my book, Rebooting Your Life, A Women’s Guide to Being Alive, Productive and Sexy After 55, I found the most important asset a women can have is the ability to re-invent herself, invest her resources in herself.  Women must learn to walk away from what society expects of them.

The US Census tells us that the fastest growing age group are those over  85!  There’s lots of life left for mature women.  Using that time for productive,  satisfying experiences is far more promising than buying into what I call the 3 big D’s, decline, disease, and death that society paints for us. 

To make the overwhelming, but important transition from middle age to a certain age, I’ve learned  women must become independent thinkers, not identifying with their peers or doing what is expected of them.   We don’t have to accept the “aging process” or age gracefully, which in my mind, means embracing old lady-hood with a resigned smile and a sinking feeling of depression.

Re-Investment/Re-invention - There’s nothing mysterious about re-invention.  Little girls become teenagers then young women.  These are all re-inventions. But they are not conscious choices, When I say we must re-invent ourselves, I mean something very different.  It’s easy to fulfill society’s expectations.  There’s a well defined scrip for a young woman beginning her career, getting married, becoming a Mom.  At our time of life we don’t have clearly define roles.  For that reason we can become invisible, without a readymade set of responsibilities, goals, or aspirations.  The only real, defining role for us is that of grandmother.   Other than that, there is nothing that’s expected of us.  So why not take the energy and resources we’ve invested in our family and others to create whatever role suits us?  To do that, we must take a critical look at our physical body, our finances, our relationships, and our outlook on life.  We need to have a clear vision of what works about our life and what drags us down.  We need to get serious about who we are and who we want to become. 

Re-invention is not an overnight wonder.  We need to stop, find the time to be introspective.  Looking closely inside ourselves will reveal many issues.  We can no longer define ourselves  by our relationship to others.  We can’t say, “I’m Frank’s wife, Tracy and Matt’s mother, a 5^th grade teacher and a lover of dogs.  We have to focus on where we are right now and what we want from life going forward.  The going forward part is key.  We have decades ahead.  Do you want to go on as before?  Do you want major changes?  Stopping and reviewing where we are today and where we want to go next is life giving and well worth the time and effort involved.

The Aging Process Is Under Our Own Control

The latest research shows that the infamous aging process is to a great extent under our own control.  I spent many years in healthcare administration and I learned a lot of insider things.  If you’re under 50 and they can’t find what’s wrong with you, they blame it on a virus.  If you’re over 50 and they can’t find what ails you, they blame it on aging.  The aging process is a useful and often profitable catch-all for physicians, pharmaceutical companies and cosmetic manufactures, but it’s a trap for women.  It dis-empowers us.  We must re-empower ourselves.   One good way that helped me was to keep a journal.

Keeping a journal is an easy and free way to organize your thoughts and keep on track of where you are in life and where you’re wanting to go.  You don’t need a fancy diary - any spiral ring notebook will do.  A computer journal works well too.  

Find a time when you can write without being disturbed. If you feel frazzled or scattered  tell yourself you have entered a worry free zone. Your concerns will keep for a few minutes while you write.

(One woman told me she assigned herself a worry time period during each day.  She gave herself 15 to 30 minutes to rehash her problems.  At the end of that time, she tells herself that she has served her troubles long enough and can go on to something more productive. )

Don’t bother about spelling, grammar or even full sentences.  Make lists or jot down two or three words.  Nobody is going to read your thoughts except you, so don’t censor yourself or judge your thoughts.  Don’t worry about priority, just write down whatever comes to you. Take your time and make it as complete as possible. 

Write in your journal often.    Once you get in the habit, writing will become easier and more productive.  Here are some assignments which will help you gain a clear perspective of your current life and help you see how you can take full advantage of the years to come.

Journal Assignment 1 - What brings you the most pleasure in your daily life?  Do you have a grandchild that puts a smile on your face? Is your garden a source of fulfillment and relaxation?  Is your work the source of your greatest satisfaction?  Is your family the best thing in your life?  Identify what brings you the most pleasure day to day.  Identify as many pleasurable experiences as you can. These are the ordinary things that promote well being in your life. It’s difficult to make big changes all at once.  Small changes add up to a far better day to day life. 

Our lives are made up of ordinary moments, and these moments are very powerful because they are all we have.  Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here yet.  We have only the present.  Small changes add up and the ordinary moments are the building blocks of our lives.    Making “right now” better is a powerful way to make big changes over time.

Here’s an example of what this first assignment might look like:  Best time of day - sitting in the back yard playing with the dog after work.  Checking email for something interesting.  Going to church.  Centering - feel stronger when I leave.  Good novel – relaxing, time away from worries.  Monthly bridge game.  Family time spent with kids, grandchildren, old friends.

Journal assignment 2 – Review your life as a whole.  What has been the most meaningful experience of your life so far?  Have you found the most satisfaction in your family, in your marriage, in your career, traveling the world?  Write down two or three experiences

Journal Assignment 3 - Look at the things in your life that you find the most difficult. 

Do you have to care for a declining and dependent parent?  Do you have one or more difficult family relationships?  Are you facing serious financial or health problems?  You’ll need to find ways to make these situations less burdensome as your empowering and re-invention process proceeds.  This assignment can be revealing and somewhat painful to think about, but it is an important step in designing your new life.

I repeat, don’t worry about spelling, grammar or priority.  You might even get yourself a small tape recorder and record your thoughts while driving or doing household chores.  When you have time, you can listen to your thoughts and write what you feel is important into your journal.  There is no right or wrong way to do this.  There is only the way that works for you.  Remember this is your time.  Make the most of it by investing in the most important person in your life – you.   

Journal Results - Look over your journal adding anything that you didn’t think of at the first writing. Now you have some invaluable information. You’ve focused on the most pleasurable parts of your day to day life.  You’ve identified experiences that have been the most meaningful and impactful so far.  You can see what you value the most – work, family, travelling for the next chapter of your life.  What have you learned from the difficult times?  You can avoid making the same mistakes again by seeing what these lessons are. Now you have direction. 

Set aside some quiet time to reflect on your writing.  When have you felt the most joy, the most fulfillment or the most peace?  When have you felt like you were doing exactly the right thing?  Are you still angry, bitter or regretful? The hard times are of great importance because they can teach us many good lessons, but often leave some negative emotions that will hold us back from achieving our new goals.  Later we’ll explore how holding negative emotions impacts our lives and attracts more unhappiness.

Ponder your journal results carefully. These will provide you with clues about who you are, where you’ve been on your life’s journey and where you’d like to go next.  

Aging Gets a Bum Rap

 

Someone said, "Aging isn't for sissies." Maybe so, but aging’s  got some outstanding benefits which get overlooked.  Like what?  Well, would you go to a job interview wearing a hat that said, "Take this job and shove if?". How about answering your cell phone during a job interview?  What about wearing a low cut, revealing top to an  interview ?

 I didn’t make this stuff up - honest.  A survey of hiring managers conducted by Career Builders, and reported in the January 15, 2011 edition of the Los Angeles Times  (LATimes.com/business ) found that 71% of the managers interviewed said answering a cell was the top error made by people they interviewed.   Sixty Nine percent said dressing inappropriately was their top complaint.  Sixty six percent complained applicants were arrogant and disinterested in the job. One manager reported an applicant actually appeared at the interview with the hat saying “Take this job and shove it.” I’ll bet this kid wondered why he didn’t the job!

 All the job applicants were under 30.  We all have stories from our own youth where we made dumb mistakes.  One of my high school friends bought a car without getting  the pink slip as proof that the seller actually owned it - he didn't.   Yes, my friend bought a stolen car and lost her money. At 17 I got married to my first boyfriend.  I lived to regret it. 

 People do live and learn.  As we go through life we make some good choices and some missteps.  By the time we hit our stage of life we've learned a lot of lessons.  We’ve learned to think before making a big decision because we know choices have consequences.  We’ve also seen you get only one chance to make a good first impression. So we’ve learned to plan and prepare. How about trusting everyone at face value is a mistake.  I could fill a book with my lessons.  I'm sure you could too.  That's why all the happiness surveys show people over 50 are happier, more content with their lives, more financially solid and experience less stress.

 Aging well means we have to take care of ourselves.  We can’t abuse our physical and emotional selves and expect to never experience the consequences of our behavior.  Aging is not for sissies if you’ve led a life that excluded dealing with your issues, lacked balance and harbored long held anger, bitterness and fears.  If you’ve lived well you can expect to age well too.

Living on Purpose

Our next big adventure is called retirement.  And let’s face it,the prospect can be pretty scary.  Everyone knows they should plan financially for the future. Not so many plan for the passion necessary to have a great life.    

 In his book The Blue Zones - Lessons for Living Longer From the People Who’ve Lived the Longest,  Dan Buettner concluded that  having a driving purpose in life is the most important factor in living a long, healthy live.

 Passion frequently comes from what I call our inner nature.  We get our physical traits from our genes, our psychological make up from our early childhood experiences.  But we come into this world with our inner nature.  It’s what propelled Amelia Earhard to do what no woman had ever done – fly around the world.  She wanted to fly from the time she was a small child.  It’s what gave Rosa Parks the courage to ride in the front of the bus.  Being in touch with our inner nature is what gives us clarity and deeply satisfying experiences. 

 In order to have a great life after retirement we need to find our passion.  Much of our earlier life was filled to the brim with making a living, raising kids, caring for elderly parents.  Now is our time. We need to dig into our inner nature and find a driving passion to fill our days and bring soul satisfying years. 

 How do we find that inner nature?  By making peace with the past.  Does that sound like a contradiction?  It’s not because we all have well stocked memories of past decades.  Many good memories, but some not so good.  And it’s those bad memories that leave buried anger, bitterness, feelings of victimization.  Those negative emotions block our access to the inner nature. 

 Keeping a journal has helped me stay on track for many years.  Ask yourself what your most difficult experiences have been and write down in a little notebook or on the computer how you feel today about those times.  Are you still sad, mad, fearful, bitter?  If so you need to defuse some of these feelings so you can have easy access to your inner nature. 

 Deep hurts don’t go easily and may need professional help to take the sting out of their debilitating effects on your life today. (The cost of that therapy is a first rate investment because you’re investing in the most important person in your life - you.) However, we can defuse negative emotions on our own by thinking back and looking for silver linings.  The journal is an easy way to keep track of all your feelings as you discover them.  Did those bad experiences bring out parts of your nature you didn’t know were there?  Did you learn lessons that have served you well?  Write down as many silver linings as you can think of. 

 Then look for areas of responsibility.  Be honest.  Did you get into a relationship with lots of potential problems?  Did you go into denial about job cuts and be laid off without preparation?  If you find some responsibility, forgive yourself.  Tell yourself you did the best you could under difficult circumstances.  That way you can go on freely.  If you feel victimized have you spent any time thinking of revenge?  The best revenge is living well.  Never mind the blame game either.  Whoever hurt you will find hard times without your help.  The old saying - What goes around comes around is true.

 Keep your journal work on clearing negativity from your past and you’ll find the road to your inner nature open.  Now you can find your passion!