ReBootYourLifeToday

Change Your Life One Step At a Time - Maxine's Story

  In order to re-boot our lives we need to make our current situation as trouble free as possible.  Why?  Because troubles soak up a lot of energy reducing our ability to focus on building new paths. It’s well worth the effort to look at what makes us happy on a daily basis and what situations are full of frustration, anger, fear or bitterness.  When we find something that is a daily negate sink hole we need to defuse or at least calm that situation. 

 This is a step by step process.  We can’t go from troubled to sailing along overnight.  If those things that worry and keep us in a bad spot had a quick and easy fix, we’d have fixed them a long time ago.  We have to make an improvement plan and have the wisdom to modify the plan as you go along and the determination to stick with it until the plan becomes reality.  Consider Maxine’s story:

 Maxine was divorced with no children.  When her father could no long care for himself due to Lou Gehrig’s disease, Maxine quit her job to care for him fulltime.  She’d gave up her apartment in the city and moved into her father’s suburban home.  She’d been caring for him for two years and was burned out, lonely and depressed.  She determined to make changes so she could re-boot her life. 

 Her first step was to meet with her two brothers and work out a plan for them to contribute either time or money to the care of their father.  With that new plan in place, she freed up fifty percent of her time. 

 For the first month after her brother’s help kicked in, Maxine took walks, read books, went to movies. When she felt ready, she found a part time job that gave her money to launch her plans for a new life.  The new job also gave her some badly needed intellectual stimulation.   Next she re-established friendships from her old life.

 Her father was still ill, and she still devoted half of her time to his care.  But these t steps allowed her to feel that she had a good start on her new life. 

 Maxine’s first step was to get her brothers’ help.  Her second step was to find the part time job.  Her third step was to re-start her social life to relieve her feelings of isolation.

We need to find ways to improve our lives, even if the improvements are small.    We can’t start feeling better about our life if we’re drowning in our current situation. So it’s important to find ways to feel better for a little while every day.  Spending a few minutes daily visualizing a new life is a good start.

 

Dating 101

  The latest US Census says about 50% of women over 55 are single.  Divorce and widowhood take their toll.  But all the happiness surveys show that one of 3 most important factors of a  long and healthy life is being married. (The other two are: strong purpose and satisfying  connections to family and community.)  I know some women love living alone.  From what I’ve heard they love the, “No one is the boss of me,” aspect.  Well I’m not one of those women so 10 years ago I opened myself up to a new relationship.  Never regretted it for a moment.

If you feel ready to find a good man what’s the best way to proceed? The traditional ways of having friends set you up still works. But I recommend you sign up for one of the many online dating services.  Met my husband on Match.com.  I know some women are skeptical or fearful of online dating, but in many ways it’s far safer than meeting men in a bar or other public place.  Online you don’t use your real name, you don’t have to give out your phone number and certainly not your address.  When you find a man online that interests you, arrange to meet him in a public place of your choosing.  If you don’t like the man, you each go your separate ways and never have to interact again. 

 If you’ve never been on an online dating service here are a few things I learned.  Men lie about their height and their income.  Women lie about their weight and their age.  Some of the photos that are posted are 20 years old, for both men and women.  I’m a bit suspicious of men who live hundreds of miles away and only come to your city every so often.  Men like that sometimes just use the distance to bring some excitement into their ho-hum lives.  They’re married or committed but just want a little adventure and some new sex.  Think twice about starting a long distance relationship. 

 Men always think they can attract a woman who is much younger than they are.  The age question is always problematic.  If you’re 58 and you give your age on the site, you might attract men who are in their late 70’s.  If you want someone younger than yourself or about your same age, be evasive about your age.  Say something like, “I’m around middle age.”  Try not to give an actual number. 

 Put some effort into taking the photo you post online.  A good, flattering photo will be your best chance of attracting a man of an acceptable age.  Get your hair done, dress in a flattering outfit, do all your make up, then ask someone you know who is a good photographer to take a few pictures of you.  Take shots of you standing, sitting, close up, at a distance.  Then post the best one or two online.  When you write your posting be truthful about yourself but have fun so you can attract a man who is fun to be with.  If you have attributes that appeal to men, such as an interest in sports or cooking be sure to include those.  If you’re tired of cooking and never want to go into the kitchen again, pick outdoor activities like hiking or biking.

If you want a man from a particular religious or ethnic group you can use a site that caters to that group, such as JDate (for Jewish people). There are sites for Catholics and many other religions. Online dating services have been so successful that there are now many specialized sites. There are sites for African American, Latinos, Asians, you name it.   Look around if you want to keep your dating within a certain group.

If you’ve never done any online dating and you’re scared, ask for some help.  My friend Debbie became a widow at age 62.  Her husband had a brain tumor and died after a long and arduous struggle with multiple surgeries, chemo therapies and other miseries.  It took Debbie a long while to get over the whole heart breaking experience.  When she finally became ready to date again, there weren’t any likely prospects around. 

 She went online and when she agreed to her first date, she asked me to go along. We both went to a Starbucks and arrived early. I sat at a table on the other side of the restaurant, drank my coffee and read a magazine.  Debbie met her date, who was a nice enough guy, but she wasn’t interested, so after about half an hour they parted company.  Debbie came to sit with me and we de-briefed the meeting.  I went along with Debbie in this way for 3 more dates, until she became comfortable with the process.  If you’re squeamish about online dating, ask a friend to “ride shotgun” until you feel capable of handling the date by yourself.

 Good men are never easy to find but we have an edge because of our experience.  We’re smart enough not let looks be at the top of our must-have list.  We know that a good man has a job or other financial interests.  They have good family relationships and solid friendships.  They don’t drink heavily or do drugs.  We know how important it is to share common values and interests.    Are you ready to open a new chapter of your life with a new man?  If so, I wish you God speed!

Having Sex Makes for a Healthy Body

Sex is everywhere and is used to sell every conceivable thing.  So it’s easy to lose sight of how personal it is and most important:

 Sex has many great health benefits: 

 Sex lowers blood pressure  According to research published in Biological Psychology frequent intercourse was associated with lower blood pressure in stressful situations such as speaking in public. 

 Sex Boosts Immunity According to scientists at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa, good sexual health may mean better overall physical health.  Having sex once or twice a week has been linked with higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A or IgA which protects against all types of infection. 

 Sex Burns Calories and it’s a lot more fun than a treadmill! 

 Sex Improves Cardiovascular Health  In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, scientists followed 914 people for 20 years and found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of a fatal heart attack by 50%!  Compared to those who had sex less than once a month.

 Sex Strengthens Pelvic Floor Muscles Sex performs the same benefits as doing Kegels exercises and it builds the capacity for more pleasurable organisms.  It also helps strengthen the bladder to avoid bladder surgery.

 Sex Reduces Pain A sexual orgasm releases the hormone oxytocin and endorphins (the brain’s pain and anxiety reliever) so that pain declines.  The pain from arthritis, headache, and most other pain is reduced according to a study published in the Bulletin of Experimental Biology and Medicine. 

 Sex Reduces Prostate Cancer Risk A study published in the Journal of American Medical Association found that frequent ejaculations, were linked to lower prostate cancer risk in older men.  The rates of prostate cancer were lowered starting with 4 to 7 ejaculations per month.  The more ejaculations up to 21 per month gave the highest protection.  So that sex is good for your partner too. 

 Sex Makes you Sleep Better – Sex releases oxytocin which promotes deep REM (deep) sleep.  And of course, getting good sleep has been linked with all kinds of good things like maintaining a healthy weight and lowering blood pressure. 

 With all these health aspects we can be assured that having a sex life is a life giving and a pleasure we can enjoy all of our lives.

Let’s Talk About Sex After Menopause

The need for affection and close physical contact is universal.  It starts in infancy and continues throughout life. (Babies in orphanages that are not held and cuddled die.)  The need for sexual contact is also universal and extends throughout life.  However, sex for women, especially after menopause, is inordinately complex.  Only recently has women’s sexuality started to be studied.  Sexuality for men has been studied extensively and drug research has led to the development of the magic little Viagra pill.   Viagra works by sending more blood flow to the penis. Researchers have tried the same approach for women to no avail.  That’s because sex is radically different for women than it is for men. 

 The “slam, bang, thank you ‘mam” saying is not really oversimplifying things for men. Women on the other hand:

• Need to feel they are attractive and their bodies are in good enough shape to show to a man.  (Often not the case for women during and after menopause)

• Need to have the courage to let a man know what pleases them.

• Need to feel safe and trusting of their partner.
• Need to have a partner who has a good working knowledge of women’s anatomy, because most women must have the clitoris stimulated directly either orally, manually or with a vibrator in order to have an orgasm.  Vaginal sex does not bring the vast majority of women to orgasm.

After menopause most women need to use a lubricant to keep the vaginal area well lubricated so that sex is comfortable and pleasurable.  There are many vaginal lubricants sold at the drug store which provide an easy fix to that problem. 

 What’s most important is that all the physical aspects of sex are on a “use it or lose it” basis.  The less sex a woman has, the longer it will take her to come to orgasm and the more she will sublimate her sexual urges into other activities.  Frequently those other activities are counterproductive such as sublimating sexual energy into overeating or even addictive behaviors. The good news is that the great blood flow to the pubic area during sexual arousal and orgasm keeps all the reproductive organs, in addition to the overall pubic areas, healthy and easily aroused. In fact, sex has many positive and health promoting aspects for both women and men. 

 Stay tuned for our next post which lists all the health benefits of sex…

 

 

 

 

So What’s Up With This Cougar Thing? It Empowers All of Us – That’s What

When Mrs. Robinson seduced Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, it was 1967 and people were shocked.  Today the older woman, younger guy romance is far more common and I say, bravo to all those women who defy conventional wisdom.  We’re supposed to age gracefully, not take up with a younger man.  Being a cougar is empowering for women even if they’re happily married with no desire to step out. A cougar makes all of us feel like we could still be in the game, if we wanted to be - that’s empowering.  

Conventional wisdom is so overwhelmingly disempowering for the mature woman, that any new trend that alters that so-called wisdom, is important and should be welcomed. The disempowering messages are so common they become part of our own belief system: “I can’t start a new business because I’m too old.  I can’t go back to college because I’m too old. I can’t find a new man because I’m too old.”  The “I’m too old” line is so common in our culture that it is easy to miss the harsh disempowerment it leaves with women. 

That’s why we need cougars! 

And there’s good news, A 2004 AARP survey of 1147 people who divorced in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s found that women initiated late-life divorces more often than men did.  Those women felt strong enough to start a new life after many years in a marriage that apparently didn’t suit them.  Society says we’re supposed to be grandmothers, fade into the woodwork and most of all, we’re supposed to shut up.  Fortunately, times, they are a’changen.

 

Deirdre Bair author of "Calling It Quits: Late-Life Divorce and Starting Over" interviewed 126 men and 184 women.  She found that divorce meant not failure and shame, but opportunity to these late in life divorced people.  Ms. Bair wrote a recent article in the New York Times http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/04/opinion/04bair.html?src=me&ref=general  in  which she wrote, “The men and women I interviewed insisted they did not divorce foolishly or impulsively.  They simply wanted time to find out who they really were.  Many stories ended with some rendition of, It’s my time and if I don’t take it now, I never will.”  One of the most interesting things Ms. Bair found was that women who wanted a new partner found one within 2 years.  So much for, “all the good men are taken or gay.”

 

Al and Tipper Gore’s break up has created a lot of fuss.  I must admit that I too felt sad, that this met in high school marriage which lasted 40, is over.  But, the Gores seem to be part of a new trend in which people, both men and women, are wanting their mature years to be fulfilling and adventuresome.  That’s an important and new part of what our expectations should be for our mature years.  Shutting up and aging gracefully seems to be falling by the wayside.  That’s a good thing.